You Will Get Through This, I Promise: Attending My First International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day Event

International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day, also known as Survivor Day, is an event in which survivors of suicide loss come together to find connection, understanding, and hope through their shared experience. This year, Survivor Day is Saturday, November 23, 2024. Learn more, and find an event in your area, here.

I sat in the parking lot for 30 minutes, scared and crying. What in the world was I doing? I didn’t want to talk to people, I was tired of crying, and I just wanted to sleep without having nightmares. I looked at the flyer again: International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day. My daughter had seen the information online from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and suggested I go, because, as she said, “Mom, I don’t know how to help you not be sad.”

I started to pray. “God, what do you want me to do with this pain, and how can I get out of this darkness? Give me strength.” I finally decided to go inside, promising myself that if I didn’t like it, I could leave. But I was greeted by friendly faces and led to a wall of photos. I added my husband Dean’s picture to the wall. Dean had died by suicide just two months before. He was not only my husband, but my best friend and the calm person our blended family with six kids depended on for advice and love. What were we going to do without him?

In just two months, I had moved to a new house and started a new job: the kinds of major changes many people suggest not making right after a loss. I had a garage full of boxes and a mind that would not focus on simple tasks. I really needed help. 

That day, the director of the event — one of many throughout the country that take place each year on the Saturday before American Thanksgiving, commonly referred to as “Survivor Day” — talked about the complexity of grief that often follows a death by suicide, and that there was no clear sequential order for how someone heals. As a project manager for a Big Four Accounting Firm, that was not what I wanted to hear. I needed a plan and direction! I must have had a panicked look on my face because the sweet lady next to me grasped my hand. With a calm and reassuring voice, she said, “You will get through this, I promise.” 

She led me to a specific area set up for those who had lost their significant others. (Separate spaces are often set up for different types of loss at these events: those who’ve lost children, parents, siblings, etc.) We each told our stories of loss. I remember realizing I was not alone, and that finally I could talk about Dean’s death without making anyone uncomfortable. It was the first time I said out loud that he died by suicide. 

That day, we listened to a speaker talk about what the research tells us about the factors that may lead someone to take their own life. The information was impactful for me because I was struggling to understand why my husband had taken his own life. The speaker shared that when someone is experiencing a suicidal crisis, their thinking is affected: they may lack the hope that things will get better, feel helpless to ask for help, and find that their brain is unable to cope with the stress. The speaker didn’t provide all the answers I needed that day, but I had some information to start productive conversations with family members. I came home with brochures and a business card for a therapist. I also left with a plan for myself for coping with the holidays, which I knew would be difficult, and preparing for emotional days. I decided to go on a road trip and visit each family member before Christmas, and then go visit a friend in Colorado during the holiday itself. My family wasn’t happy about that, but it was something I needed for my own healing. I realized I had been so busy taking care of everyone else that I needed to learn to take care of myself. 

The next year, I didn’t just return to my local Survivor Day event: I volunteered to help with it! I was a greeter. I wanted to make sure new survivors of suicide loss felt welcomed. I also started participating in AFSP’s Out of the Darkness Walks. Eventually, I became more and more involved in my local AFSP chapter, coordinating and leading Survivor Day events in Dallas and Hot Springs, Arkansas.

It has been 11 years since I walked into that Survivor Day event. Each time I go, I learn something new, meet a new friend, and feel inspired by someone else making a difference. I also have a renewed sense of purpose and commitment to suicide prevention and mental health advocacy. My grief journey has had many emotions and highs and lows. I am now the board chair of AFSP’s Arkansas chapter, present AFSP’s suicide prevention education program Talk Saves Lives, and help new loss survivors as a Healing Conversations volunteer. 

Attending a Survivor Day event each year is a way to honor Dean. It is also a time to reflect on how far I have come in my grief journey, progressing from a recent loss survivor looking for answers, to an organizer who is providing comfort and care. I have a wonderful community through AFSP and we support each other through life’s challenges and celebrate joys. My big joy is I have found love again and I am getting married. 

I finally found an answer to my prayer in the parking lot, when I asked God what He wants me to do with this pain and loss. The answer is to love and support those who have lost loved ones and those who are struggling. I have a purpose: to save lives and bring hope to those affected by suicide.